A Wedding Wrap Up

I've talked a lot about wedding television, and how ridiculous I think the monetary aspects of weddings are. I feel some reflection is in order now. I've only been to three weddings in my life, so I don't have much experience in the field of what real-life weddings are like. But I still think it's important to talk about my experiences with weddings.

The first two weddings I went to were for the same couple, my aunt and uncle. They had two ceremonies, one Catholic, the other Russian Orthodox. I was the flower girl in both of them, so I honestly don't remember much. What I do remember was my aunt's super long train on the dress, all the fuss and buzzing of people around us at the reception, and that uncomfortable dress and headpiece I had to wear as a flower girl. I didn't understand then why they had two weddings, but now I do, and it was for cultural reasons. My aunt is Hispanic and Filipino, while my uncle is Russian and both of their families are very strongly tied to their cultures. I don't think either one would've been happy if they had just chosen to do one ceremony, that probably would've felt like they were choosing favorites, and somebody's family would've been pissed. Like Capulet and Montague status. 

This idea of culture being a strong factor in marriage ceremonies goes back to my post about wedding dresses and how brides with larger families with a strong cultural background would often not choose a dress until their family likes it and will not buy it unless they do. I have thought about what my wedding would be like before and I always thought I would have it in a Russian Orthodox church like my parents and grandparents did. I feel like if I don't then there would always be some harboring resentment that would last the rest of my grandparents life (they are very religious and strongly tied to their culture). I thought the same thing when I decided to get tattoos. I thought about the fact that if I wore a traditional wedding dress, they would show, my grandparents and family wouldn't like that and I'd pay the consequences for that. Well clearly it's too late for that, unless I decide to wear a white parka instead of a dress. 

I think a lot about my choices that I've made in life. What I am studying in school, dying parts of my hair crazy colors, getting tattoos. All of it. And I know it doesn't make everyone happy. I often don't tell my grandparents what I'm studying because they'll probably think I'm the anti-christ for thinking that alternative families and non-traditional lifestyles are okay. 

This brings me to the most recent wedding I've been to. I went to a friend's wedding who I've known for a large majority of my life and who I've grown up with. That was over a year ago and back then I was pretty bewildered by some things that were un-traditional. Now that I've done this project and taken a lot of Sociology courses, I realize that normal and traditional is boring and restrictive and that alternatives are just fine. If you like tradition and that makes you happy, that's great too. Now that I reflect back on her wedding, I am so happy for her and I realize that she was so happy on that day. It was perfect for her and that's all that should matter. I know that is very individualistic thinking of me, but hell, I live in the United States, the most individualistic minded country ever probably and that's how I roll. 

So although I realize weddings are extraneous and outlandish, especially the way they are portrayed on TV, I want our to just make us happy. I don't us want to take out a loan and go into more assloads of debt to impress other people. We'll put on some fancy clothes because we like to, gather some of our closest friends and just celebrate the fact that we want to share something about us with those people. (In my boyfriend's case and mine, that would be our weirdness and our love). 

(Look at these weirdos)

I think the most important thing to take away from all of this craziness of the wedding culture is that media sensationalizes things, and it focuses on material aspects and status a lot of the time. We love watching drama on television, and that's part of the reason why there is so much drama on TV and why there are Bridezillas all over the place in media. We need to realize that this is not something to replicate because it's dramatized and unrealistic. Having a huge, expensive wedding and a cupcake dress doesn't mean you're going to have the best marriage ever and you'll die holding hands like in the Notebook when you're crusty and old. Hell no. Marriage and relationships are hard enough as it is, no need to add more stress by planning some fluffed up party to show everybody that because you were able to throw a great wedding, that means you guys love each other. 

Thank you so much for reading. 

Until next time,

Liz

It's "Her" Day: The Birth of the Bridezilla

You always hear it. If you're a woman you know what I'm talking about. Marriage. Weddings. Are you dating anyone? When are you going to find Mr. Right? And most of us just sit there like:

 In our culture, it seems to be that the pinnacle of a heterosexual woman's life is the day she meets Mr. Right and marries him. Television does a very good job at portraying this, as I talked about in my last post.

Today however I am going to focus on the show "Four Weddings" on the TLC network, home to a majority of today's wedding reality television. The premise of four weddings is that four brides all go to each other's weddings, judge them and vote for who gets to win an all-expenses paid honeymoon. If anyone of you are slapping your foreheads in despair, just wait, it gets better. The categories they have to rate the weddings in are dress, food, venue, and overall experience. What's funny is how some of the bride's comments include "I liked that you can tell they really loved each other." Why because they were like this the whole night?

 And some of them are just super competitive and critical, making remarks on how the centerpieces were too small or the chicken was dry. Because that's what a wedding is all about. That's what our culture has turned it into. A spectacle of food, flowers, dancing, all to please others. To show that your marriage is worthy because you threw this awesome party and everyone agreed that it was awesome.

Here is a clip of a bride who won, and she actually states in the clip that she learned about weddings from the show because she's never been to a wedding before. Again throughout the clip, notice how she always says "I" or "mine." My wedding, my vows, my day. Aside from it sounding very narcissistic, it perpetuates the heterosexual ideal of romance being ultimately expressed through marriage and having a wedding. If you don't get married, you obviously don't love them that much (I wish sarcasm had a font).

The way this show perpetuates the idea that weddings are "her" day is that only the brides judge each other's weddings, the groom's aren't involved in the critique. Also what I notice almost every episode is that at the end when the winner's groom comes out of the limo, he always says "good job baby you did it." Which shows how our culture thinks that planning a wedding is the bride's job, which again goes in with the idea of a wedding being "her big day." In fact the groom is hardly in the show at all, only in snippets throughout the episode and at the end the winner's groom deliver's the news. And I've never once seen a same-sex couple on the show either. (Edit as of 12/13/13, I just saw my first episode of Four Weddings with a lesbian couple, yay representation!)

TLC did a groom-centered episode of Four Weddings once, but really it was just done for humor's sake. As you will see in this clip, the groom's are pretty clueless about weddings and dresses in the interviews.

With all this emphasis on weddings being about the bride and being the biggest day of a woman's life, it's now wonder where the "bridezilla" came from. I've never planned a wedding, but I'd imagine I'd go crazy too if I had all this cultural pressure to plan a wedding and believed it was solely my responsibility to do so. 

 Again one of the problems with our culture perpetuating this idea of "her big day" is that it is hetero-centric. Meaning that by those standards, if two gay men want to have a wedding, what do they call it? "Their big day?" That would be ridiculous! Who plans the wedding? Or if two women want to have a wedding, do they split the responsibility and the attention? Oh no! Gender norms will have to be broken! *gasp* These are things that don't get any light shed on them because of this huge prevalence of heterosexual romance in our culture. It's not "their big day" it's "her big day." Also as I stated before, another problem with calling a wedding "her" big day is that it places getting married as the pinnacle of a woman's life (as well as becoming a mother, but that's another story).

Again thank you for reading and share your thoughts below!

It's All in the Family: Wedding Dress Shopping

Just a little disclaimer here before I start this: I understand that media is sensationalized and often times, extreme examples and types of people are shown. However, I still think it is important to analyze what kinds of perspectives these shows portray and whether they do so in a negative or positive light.

Most of us went shopping with our parents when we were kids. And man was it BORING (it was for me anyways, unless it was a trip to the toy store). I can't even imagine what bringing family to something like a wedding dress appointment would be like.

There are usually two types of brides portrayed on wedding gown shows. The ones who, if you don't like the dress are:

And there are brides who seek their entourage's approval and will not buy the dress unless they like it, and if they don't like it:

Women who shop for wedding dresses usually bring some sort of entourage with them, a majority being family members.

On Say Yes to the Dress, the portrayal of the family goes either two ways, they support the bride and let her decide, or they are super critical and have to deem approval on the dress before she can buy it. Also known as "the overbearing family." Stella on Say Yes to the Dress brought her sisters, mother and father to her appointment. Here is a clip from the episode.

Her sisters are very critical and blunt about every dress she tries on. That may be a good thing or bad thing depending on if you care what your family thinks. Along with the bride, the bridal consultant is also frustrated because she has to please multiple people to make the sale. It's also important to note the bride's cultural background. In the episode she tells the consultant she is having a huge Greek wedding and that her family's opinion matters very much to her. Other brides on the show who come from collectivist cultures with high value on family, value their opinion and often do not buy the dress they love because their family doesn't approve. I've seen many episodes where the bride walks away from the dress she likes because of others' opinions; especially the mother's opinion. 

Here is a clip of a non-traditional family going dress shopping. There are a few reasons why this bridal appointment is non-traditional according to the norms seen on previous episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. This is the bride's second marriage, her future husband is at the appointment to give his input on the gown (despite the superstition of bad luck if the groom sees the gown), and they are a family consisting of step-children. 

In this example, all of the kids end up loving the dress, except the groom. Although their family structure isn't traditional according to nuclear family standards, the same problems of differing tastes and approval still arise as they did with other more "traditional" families.

This next clip is a "best of the worst" wedding dress shopping entourages from Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta. It reveals a lot of different reasons for familial tension in a wedding ritual like this. Culture, familial relation, morals and values all play a part in dress selection. What I found interesting was how the "comical" parts of the clip had to do with when male family members tried contributing their opinions. It perpetuates this idea that males do not know about fashion and shouldn't know, and that the wedding dress shopping is almost exclusively a woman's area. The exception to this rule is usually the father of the bride, one of the few males that are seen as acceptable people to invite dressing shopping. The bridal shop owner of Say Yes to the Dress:Atlanta, Lori, absolutely hates when grooms come to the bridal appointment. She charmingly refers that to having "foxes in her henhouse."

While doing some Google searching, I came across this photo below. I completely forgot about this TLC show that came out last year. It is actually a great example of how tradition gets put against individualism. The premise of Something Borrowed, Something New is that a bride chooses between a re-purposing of her mother's wedding dress and a new dress. Usually the mother roots for the daughter to wear her dress, which again perpetuates the idea of tradition being important in weddings and how much of an influence family has in rites of passages like weddings. 

I also think that for a lot of mother's on this show and other wedding shows, feel as if they can re-live their own wedding, and possibly live out her dreams through her daughter. I remember watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where a bride went to a dress fitting with her mother. Her mother kept pushing her to wear a tiara and veil because she didn't wear one when she got married and regretted that decision. 

To bring up a personal example of family influence, I was put in piano lessons as a child. I hated practicing, and I was put in lessons because both my mom and dad also took piano when they were younger. My mom always talked about how she regretted quitting as a child and pushed me to keep practicing because she thinks I would regret it later like she did. 

(source)

Not all family members always root for the tradition of wearing the mother's dress. In this next clip, the bride's "something borrowed" is actually her grandmother's dress that her mother also wore. The grandmother just wants her granddaughter to pick something to make her happy and just the thought of possibly wearing the dress was enough for her. The mother on the other hand is not keen on the idea of a new dress for the bride at all. 

Cultural heritage and upbringing determines what family values someone may have. If someone was raised in a family with a collectivist mindset, and they are exposed to very individualistic ideals through media, this can cause some tension and divide in a bride's mind, which I think the show Something Borrowed, Something New portrays fairly well. 

How much do you value your family's opinion? Are you one to please your family? Or are you one to make yourself happy and hope that your family is accepting of whatever decisions you make? If you are planning on getting married what role do you anticipate or expect your family to play and why? Or if you've already been married and had a wedding, did your family influence any decisions you made?

Thank you as always for reading, and share your thoughts below!

I do. But why?

So something has been on my mind all day today and I wanted to write about it because I think it's important to think about. So much so that I ditched my last class to come home and write (shhh).
Why.

I am a sociology major. I study society, social structure, groups,systems and how they work to create social order, etc. I understand that media manipulates messages to make society believe and desire specific things. For the most part, I consider myself as understanding the social construct of things around me pretty well.
So why do I still have these desires to have a wedding? I want to be married someday and I also still want to have some kind of ceremony acknowledging that.
I watch wedding television shows in part to mock, but also because something draws me in to them.

Although I get mad and say these women are stupid for spending so much money, I still partially envy them. And I think that is very telling to how media portrays romance and marriage to our culture.

For me personally, I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.
I want the social validation that I am in a committed relationship. By having some kind of ceremony, it might give me the sense that others acknowledge the validity of the relationship I'm in. I do not know if this is true, I am not married, but this is what I would want to come out of the situation.

A more shallow reason to why I want a wedding is that I enjoy dressing up. Wearing makeup and clothing that make me feel my best feels good and I enjoy feeling dressed up (I also have a love affair with sweatpants too and that's okay). As I've explained before, for women, wedding dresses are socialized to be the most important dress of your life. And hell, some people love a good party, so it's an excuse to look great and get dolled up and have some fun. That is something that I enjoy and is a small personal reason as to why I would have a wedding.

Part of my reasons are also cultural. On my mother's side, her parents did not have a wedding, they married at a courthouse. My parents also did the same thing, but later on had a church ceremony (probably for cultural reasons. That and to appease my grandmother).  My father's parents had a church ceremony. My family is important to me and I value their approval and do not enjoy disappointing them. That is not to say I always do things they like (like dying parts of my hair blue, or getting tattoos that they have no idea about). I usually hide things like that.

The last reason that I thought about was that I believe the title of being married equates to a sense of a stronger commitment. I know there are many examples of women who never marry their partners and still are strongly committed to the relationship. There are same-sex couples who cannot legally be married and are strongly committed to each other. So what I still have to explore within myself is why do I think that marriage strengthens the commitment in a relationship? The title of wife holds more serious social rank than girlfriend in our culture, and I suppose you could say I succumb to that belief. The marriage is a contract. There are legal benefits like insurance, visitation rights at hospitals and inheritance that I feel are important. And as my boyfriend and I have talked about many times before, we both feel that being married is important to us, as far as defining our relationship and also having legal benefits in the future.

I realize that my boyfriend and I do have a choice whether we want to have a wedding or not. If we don't it's a matter of dealing with the stigma that comes along with not going with the social norms. And at this time I don't feel like I am strong enough to deal with that to just not have a wedding. I do have my own (in my opinion) positive reasons why I want one, but tradition and familial pressure is definitely a reason too.

If you plan on getting married in the future, why do you feel it is important?

If you plan on getting married, will you have a wedding ceremony? Why?

If you are already married, did you have a wedding? What was the experience like? Planning? Why did you have one/want one?

This wasn't a planned post, so this is a bit of word vomit. Thank you for reading! Tell me your thoughts below!