Why.
I am a sociology major. I study society, social structure, groups,systems and how they work to create social order, etc. I understand that media manipulates messages to make society believe and desire specific things. For the most part, I consider myself as understanding the social construct of things around me pretty well.
So why do I still have these desires to have a wedding? I want to be married someday and I also still want to have some kind of ceremony acknowledging that.
I watch wedding television shows in part to mock, but also because something draws me in to them.
For me personally, I've narrowed it down to a few reasons.
I want the social validation that I am in a committed relationship. By having some kind of ceremony, it might give me the sense that others acknowledge the validity of the relationship I'm in. I do not know if this is true, I am not married, but this is what I would want to come out of the situation.
A more shallow reason to why I want a wedding is that I enjoy dressing up. Wearing makeup and clothing that make me feel my best feels good and I enjoy feeling dressed up (I also have a love affair with sweatpants too and that's okay). As I've explained before, for women, wedding dresses are socialized to be the most important dress of your life. And hell, some people love a good party, so it's an excuse to look great and get dolled up and have some fun. That is something that I enjoy and is a small personal reason as to why I would have a wedding.
Part of my reasons are also cultural. On my mother's side, her parents did not have a wedding, they married at a courthouse. My parents also did the same thing, but later on had a church ceremony (probably for cultural reasons. That and to appease my grandmother). My father's parents had a church ceremony. My family is important to me and I value their approval and do not enjoy disappointing them. That is not to say I always do things they like (like dying parts of my hair blue, or getting tattoos that they have no idea about). I usually hide things like that.
The last reason that I thought about was that I believe the title of being married equates to a sense of a stronger commitment. I know there are many examples of women who never marry their partners and still are strongly committed to the relationship. There are same-sex couples who cannot legally be married and are strongly committed to each other. So what I still have to explore within myself is why do I think that marriage strengthens the commitment in a relationship? The title of wife holds more serious social rank than girlfriend in our culture, and I suppose you could say I succumb to that belief. The marriage is a contract. There are legal benefits like insurance, visitation rights at hospitals and inheritance that I feel are important. And as my boyfriend and I have talked about many times before, we both feel that being married is important to us, as far as defining our relationship and also having legal benefits in the future.
I realize that my boyfriend and I do have a choice whether we want to have a wedding or not. If we don't it's a matter of dealing with the stigma that comes along with not going with the social norms. And at this time I don't feel like I am strong enough to deal with that to just not have a wedding. I do have my own (in my opinion) positive reasons why I want one, but tradition and familial pressure is definitely a reason too.
If you plan on getting married in the future, why do you feel it is important?
If you plan on getting married, will you have a wedding ceremony? Why?
If you are already married, did you have a wedding? What was the experience like? Planning? Why did you have one/want one?
This wasn't a planned post, so this is a bit of word vomit. Thank you for reading! Tell me your thoughts below!
I think you bring up some interesting questions which apply to a number of things in life. But I'll just stick with the wedding stuff for now.
ReplyDeleteI personally would love to get married. I think it represents, and in large part due to my parents own marriage, a solid stable relationship. I by no means am in any rush, but I would like to be fortunate enough to have a wedding.
As far as having a ceremony goes, I guess? Personally I'm not really all that interested in it. I'll end up having one I'm sure, even if it's not for me or the person I marry, but a chance to gather my family in one place. I suspect, given what I know of my mother’s fondness for big events like graduations and birthdays, she'd probably end up murdering me if I passed this one up. I would guess that the actual ceremony for me would be more so just something to go through if that makes any sense? I'm much more interested/looking forward to the whole being married thing and having a partner and all that.
To be honest all I really care about for the wedding as far as the ceremony goes is looking damn good in a Tuxedo.
I know for a number of people who get married, although I suspect this is less true than it used to be, there is a good chunk of religious concepts wrapped up in their ceremony. Again on this front I am not really bothered. If the person I end up marrying is religious and they want a religious ceremony I am more than happy to take part so long as there is an understanding that my concepts on religion likely will not change.
Now with all that personal babbling out of the way I can talk about why I think people in general want to get married. But before I go into that I think I should throw up a disclaimer.
I am not married, nor have I ever been married. Everything I am about to say is from observations alone and suspicions on a subject I have little to no personal experience with in the first place. So take that for what you will.
(Part Two below since I was prevented from posting this in its entirety)
Moving on.
ReplyDeleteI suspect it’s for a number of reasons, some of which I know you’ve already covered but the hell with it let’s go over them again.
First and foremost I think it’s a sense of validation. As you’ve mentioned, we live in a society that is hierarchical in nature. Certain titles trump others. For example take a look at the varying levels of higher education degrees and supposed levels of intelligence that are assumed to go along with them. This is the case with relationships as well. Doesn’t seem to matter much, especially in the eyes of the law, how long you’ve been with someone. If you’ve been dating someone in a committed uninterrupted relationship for the past 35 years, you’re still trumped by the couple that had a shotgun wedding and has only known each other for a week.
There are a number of arguments against what I’ve just said but I’m not going to go into them all and since this is my opinion and not something I need to prove with facts, I believe that with all things equal the duration of your relationship based on time is more relevant than the title you have for one another.
But this is not generally the case when we look at American society as a whole. I want to take just a moment to acknowledge that this is not the case for each person, I am aware that things differ from society to society and that America is not the, be all end all of normalized society in the world. But we’re talking in broad strokes here and the American social standards are the ones I am most familiar with.
Even if we strip away the legal rights afforded married couples, there is still a social stigma against those who don’t get married. If you’re 45 years old and not married or haven’t been married you’re not treated the same way as someone who is. And I think this is where another part of why people get married comes into play.
You are either married or not, obvious I know but bear with me. And since traditionally speaking being in a married committed monogamous relationship is the case, married couples are the “normal” group. This creates a sense of othering in society, and very few people want to be in that other group. I would even argue that other than the rarest of exceptions, people do their best to stay out of this other group. Being in that other group makes you a weirdo. You become an outsider and someone separate from normal society. And while we all know intellectually speaking that this is an absurd notion, we still are afraid of that other group because they represent everything no considered ideal.
And so in all honesty I think that notion of other ties up into a number of the other points you made. It’s why women get expensive dressed, because that’s what’s expected. It’s why we have a number of preset ceremonies to choose from, although this one is becoming less and less popular as weddings shift further away from religious ceremonies.
We do it because it’s expected of us, by our families, friends and society at large (broadly speaking). And that little bit of a romantic in me likes to think that wrapped up in all these social standards, norms, schemas and social acceptability there is a hint of that old highest expression of love business.
Just to reiterate, again not married never have been and in all likelihood won’t be more many years to come. So feel free to completely disregard what I just said. I am speaking only from observations and my understanding of human behaviors, as incredibly lacking as it is.
So I pretty much agree with your blog post, which I kind of mentioned in response to your first blog, but I definitely want to get married, not just because of tradition but because I feel that a day filled with so much joy should be shared with my loved ones. Turning 18, graduating, even finishing elementary school where all things that got celebrated, and they are no where near as important as the day I finally commit to the person I love. (And yes, I realize that there is an extremely high divorce rate and this seems a little optimistic, but I suppose if I was pessimistic I probably wouldn't be thinking about marriage.)
ReplyDeleteAs far as a ceremony goes I'm pretty sure there will be one. Not just to satisfy parents/grand parents (although that is a huge factor), but also because I'm a fan of ceremonies... Up to a point. I'd prefer a shorter ceremony and not some day long affair, honestly if it could be under and hour I'd be happy, but if it means appeasing the family then it's worth it.
Aside from family being there, the ceremony again goes back to me sharing the moment with those closest to me. The people who I've known for years, knew me before, I met my girlfriend, were there laughing/cheering/slightly confused as I tried to woo her, the ones who I texted when it finally happened, when she finally agreed to make it official, (and who I'll probably text once she agrees to marry me), those are the people I want there when we finally get married.
That said, it's really the reception I look forward to. Food, fun, my best friends drunk and laughing.
As far as social norms go, I guess if they weren't norms than they wouldn't be something that came to mind, and sure maybe a wedding is something that a lot of people do, and while the ceremonies tend to be pretty similar in most cases, the reception is that part that my future wife and I get to make our own, not just celebrating the wedding itself, but also the result of what happens when you put the two of us together.
I agree about wanting friends and family there. Partially because I think they might be mad if I didn't invite them and really don't want to have that resentment pushed on me. And part because again I personally enjoy attention for things that are traditionally rites of passage. I think part of my like of the attention is that I don't really get much attention otherwise from family. Its kind of the situation where the uncles and aunts don't call you unless its a birthdaySo part of the rites of passage celebration I feel have a sense of obligation attached to them. That said I enjoy sharing major moments in life with others. Even if the reasons may be shallow like wanting recognition and validation. But humans are social beings, we seek approval and attention. Also I failed to mention that love is a factor to why I still desire to get married. Because getting married isn't about yourself. Which is something that television portrays as the opposite where the ceremony is always "her" day (in a heterosexual model).
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