Popping the Question: Engagement Rings, Status, and the Ultimate Symbol of Love (...?)

Before I start this, I want to put a disclaimer. My intention is not to shame anyone who believes in and likes these traditions. My goal is to get people thinking about why traditions are in place and why people believe in them.

We all know that traditionally, the beginning of a marriage starts with the proposal. Your perfect man proposes with the perfect ring. Famous phrases like "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" and DeBeers famous slogan (pictured below) perpetuate the idea that diamonds are the ultimate symbol of love and commitment.

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This DeBeers diamond commercial is a great example of showing how diamonds are marketed as a symbol of eternal love by portraying an elderly couple and a younger couple together. New love and lifelong love, the ideal relationship is one where one turns into the other.

Often, after a woman is proposed to, the first thing people ask is to see the ring, and then they offer their congratulations.  When someone on Facebook changes to their status to engaged, almost instantaneously questions and congratulations come flooding in. "Where is the ring?" Or when they change their status to engaged, a picture of the ring is included in the post.

Chrys Ingraham, author of White Weddings: Romancing Heterosexuality in Popular Culture, wrote in 1999 that a man is expected to buy an engagement ring worth two month's salary, and spending anything less is deemed unacceptable by Western society's standards. I asked a few of my friends and family what they would say the expected cost of an engagement ring today is, and their estimations are that now the expectation is to save up three months' salary.

Not only is the man expected to spend the right amount, the ring is also supposed to perfectly represent the bride's personality and style. Someone who describes them self as quirky and unique may opt for something non-traditional, like a heart shaped diamond.

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Singer Sherri Bemis of Eisley describes her style as whimsical and wanted her engagement ring to match her personality. (I adore her and she is one of my favorite singers, so in no way am I smack talking her *insert fangirl shriek* I LOVE YOU). 

In the season 5 premiere of TLC's show Say Yes to the Dress, bride Sarah Kennedy was going shopping for a bridal gown, before she was proposed to. Little did she know, her boyfriend was waiting in the dressing room with her "perfect ring." In the interview segments of the show, she says that she has been waiting a long time for this ring, and how glad she is that it's finally here.

Bride Sarah Kennedy is shown shopping for her bridal gown, minutes after the proposal

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It's interesting to note how she talks about "it" and not "him." This next clip is of one of the bridal consultants reflecting on the in-store proposal. The proposal was unexpected because the couple did not think they could afford a ring, so it was a shock to her and the family.

 For most women and Western society as a whole, the engagement ring is the marker for the beginning of a marriage. Sarah from Say Yes to the Dress talked about how her ring was the pivotal piece of the puzzle she was waiting for before she would get married to her boyfriend.

Engagement rings, and the expected cost of them, put a lot of pressure on heterosexual males to live up to a certain societal expectation. The engagement ring is a symbol that shows that you can provide for her, and you can live up to the expectation of the traditional male breadwinner.

In one of my classes, there is a girl who sits in front of me who is recently engaged. Many in our class noticed her ring and asked her about ring shopping and the proposal. In a joking tone, she said that she told her fiancee that she wanted a carat for each year they have been together. If you saw the size of that thing, you would know that she wasn't joking at all. (I jokingly kept thinking to myself, how does she lift her hand?)

Celebrity engagement rings are the perfect example of how "love" is shown through status and money. As soon as news breaks of a celebrity's engagement, then the reports on how much the ring cost almost immediately follow. Kim Kardashian recently became engaged to Kanye West. The LA Times reports the ring at $3 million dollars and weighing in at 15 carats.

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This makes Kim's former fiance's $2 million dollar ring seem pretty lame compared to what Kanye shelled out for her don't you think? (insert sarcasm) In the celebrity world, the engagement ring is the ultimate symbol of status and of "love" (I put air quotes because 72 day marriages are totally reflective of true love. I really wish there was a font for sarcasm) The richer they are, the bigger the ring has to be. This is especially true if it isn't their bride-to-be's first go around. He has to show that he is better than what she had before. If you love her more than he did, the ring has to be bigger, right? My mom made the comment that her ring looks like it came out of a gum-ball machine it's so ridiculous looking.

Engagement rings are an ingrained part of the marriage tradition. The average middle class man is expected to shell out three month's salary to prove to society and to her that he loves her. So I want to pose a few questions. Is it fair to expect a man to invest in a gift such as jewelry as a symbol of love? Why doesn't the male also receive some sort of gift for a rite of passage such as an engagement? Do women feel a sense of entitlement to receiving an engagement ring and why?

Also, since it is often expected for man to buy a ring for a woman, how would this tradition play out in a same-sex relationship? Would they feel pressured to conform to the hetero normative tradition and assign traditional roles to each other, or both get rings? (Let alone the fact if they can even legally get married).

If you are female, do you expect to receive an engagement ring? Why?

If you are male I ask, do you feel pressure or do you feel expected to buy an engagement ring if you plan on getting married? If so, where do you feel this pressure and expectation comes from?

Again I am not condemning anyone who plans to follow or has followed these traditions. I myself would still like an engagement ring, but I don't want my boyfriend to sell his soul or promise our first born child in exchange for one, or equate one to the cost to the massive amounts of student debt we are in ( har har *runs away and cries in corner because of the reality of debt*)

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please feel free to comment below and start some discussion!